I’m in one of my moods. One of my deep moods.
When will I be content? I was not raised to value contentedness. Content was as unnatural a concept as submit. I knew the word and I loathed it. Content, though, was hardly even on the radar screen. What does that mean? If you’re not reaching for the stars, you’ve given up and will never be anything. Loser. Lame-o. Typical. Content? I don’t get it.
It always strikes me when we have a high school small group meeting that teaches me so much that I’m floored for a few days following. I love leading a small group because of how much I get out of it. There. I said it. The Bible mostly, but also the discussion, the satisfaction of reaching young girls in a meaningful way. We’re going through Colossians. And The Message – no we don’t teach out of the message but I like to throw out different translations for the sake of exploration – lists in chapter 3: v 13 (ish) “Be even tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense.”
Content with second place. What is the best time of life? Someone tell me so I can be ready to embrace it. In junior high, I knew the answer. In junior high, junior high was the best time of life. And I loved it. LOVED it. So much so that I sobbed the last day of school before going into high school because I knew everything was going to change. That the best part of life was going to change. OK, everyone sobbed. In high school, I figured out pretty quickly that high school was the best part of life. And I was right. The friends, the activities, the dances and dating. High school was the best part… mostly.
I don’t think I really got it in college. There were times, walking through campus to my favorite classes with my favorite professors. Or hanging out in the dorms, eating in the dining hall. Moments. In my memory, theres always a wind blowing through my hair. haha. That was the feeling I wanted out of college, wind blowing through my hair, and those wind moments are the ones I remember. But only moments. I missed a lot of it because I came face to face with the concept of being the only one like me. I didn’t identify with anyone, I thought, and the heartbreak of high school friendships left me wary of really trying. I remember the last week of college though. I got it then. Decorating mortar board hats. Cramming mattresses into one stinking small room so we could all sleep together. Midnight Bibleopoly. I didn’t get it until it was too late.
Content with second place. I find time and again that I’m trying to convince myself that this IS the best time of my life. That I’d better slow down or I’ll miss it. Like I missed college. I miss it when I get consumed with accomplishment. With moving ahead. With positions and titles, salaries and perks, cars and restaurants, furniture and clothes, being on trend or ahead of trend, when can I buy a house, when can we have a baby, when can I stop working. I become obsessed with first place. But maybe first place isn’t what I think it is. Maybe first place sucks. Really. Because you don’t even realize it once you’re there. Maybe being content with second place is when you feel the wind. Junior high was when and it wasn’t high school. High school was when and it wasn’t college. College was when but it wasn’t the beginning of the rest of my life. And it didn’t matter what it wasn’t. What mattered was what it was.
Does that even make sense?